Kansas Snapshots by Gloria Freeland - June 12, 2026

Different defaults

Husband Art frequently says he lives in an estrogen-dominated world. It's true. I'm the primary person in his life and we have two daughters. Mariya is married to Miriam and they live in Manhattan, so we see them often, along with granddaughter Diana. Daughter Katie lives 500 miles away, so we don't see son-in-law Matt that much, but Katie likes to do video chats.

My brother is in Salina, but it's my sister I interact with daily. She also has two daughters. Shortly after my folks moved to Manhattan, dad died, but mom lived for another 13-plus years. Art's dad died in 1986, but his mom lived another 23 years. Most of my friends - particularly the ones we see together - are women.

You get the idea.

In fact, Art's friend Dave is really the only male he sees, and that is often limited to meeting for a meal once a week or so. Still, when they do get together, Art often comments how the interaction and ambiance is different. For a while, he thought it was just unique to the two of them, but he says it always jumps out at him when adopted German son Tim is with us.

Since all three are in technical fields, it's not surprising that their conversations are heavier in that arena than mine are with my friends, although we do have a lot of "shop talk" about journalism. But he assures me that while there is the occasional sexual reference that is unlikely to occur in a group of women, much of their "man" talk seems similar to ours - politics, work, and family.

Yet every now and then, something happens that shows the world of men and women are a bit different. I know I've related before how the "helper" role works differently. With women, jobs tend to be done as a joint effort of equals. But with men, there are leaders and followers. When I am helping Art, if he doesn't need me for a while, I tend to wander off and get involved in other things. In a man's world, a helper stays at hand. The focus is on the work the leader is doing - period! So when Art is on a ladder and needs someone to hand him the drill, he doesn't expect to have to summon his helper from a different room and then wait.

A perfect example of women working together is making a meal where each helps the process move along. Working together for men is more like a surgery scene, where one person is in charge. When the surgeon says, "Clamp," it's expected to be delivered with minimal delay.

Some years ago, my boss - the only male in our work group - suggested a change none of us women agreed with. Art could tell I was upset when we met for lunch. "Who spoke up?" he asked. "No one," I answered. “You realize he thought you agreed with him?” Art asked.

No I didn't, because in a woman’s world, agreement must be given. But Art explained that in a man’s world, agreement comes in the form of no disagreement.

Exactly how these differences develop isn't clear. Studies have shown that the cooperative versus leader/follower differences between females and males begin appearing in early childhood.

This difference surfaced a few weekends ago. Mariya and Miriam asked to use our truck for some yard work, but the battery wouldn't hold a charge and needed replacing. Art asked me to text Mariya to have her get a new one with directions to leave it in our van the next day while he was at work.

He wasn't entirely surprised when he left work around 8 p.m. the following day and there was no battery, despite not receiving any heads-up as to why.

In my original message to Mariya, the word "tomorrow" was included and she responded in agreement. But for her, that well may have been read in an "as-soon-as-convenient" sense, whereas to Art, that meant Saturday - full stop!

It seems that Mariya’s day had taken a slightly different turn than she had expected and since her need for the truck was not immediate, she decided she'd get the battery the following day. That was a completely reasonable adjustment in the communal way of women. But from a man's perspective, a plan had been agreed to and, without a discussion on modification, it was to be carried out unless impossible to do so.

We are both fans of the TV show, "This Old House." The viewer can see the "male way" on display in every show. While host Kevin O'Connor guides the viewer from area to area, he's often shown "pitching in" to help. It's always clear that someone else is the leader and he is just a source of ready hands. Even in segments where Jenn Nawada - the landscape designer and only female principal on the show - is the focus, the others are just helpers.

As a woman, I like the way we do things in partnership and am inclined to see the way men operate as overly rigid. Men are comfortable in their world and tend to see women as unreliable.

Both organizational schemes have their strengths and weaknesses. Women like to pool the knowledge of the group, whereas men tend to rely on the efficiency offered by a single leader. Men will use a communal approach in settings that clearly dictate it fits better, just as women will opt for a single leader when needed. But when each group reverts to its usual approach, misunderstandings may result.

It's probably no surprise I tend to see "our" way as the best way. On the flip side, it never takes men 20 minutes or more to decide where to go for lunch!